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C'mon, Cat, everything goes at eight.


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Let's go, let's go. Laundry room. A skutter approaches and hands him a card. Reading the card "You are cordially invited to join Mr David Lister and friends for supper and general employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way. Officer's Club, 8 till late.

Officer's club. The lights are all off. Is there anybody here? Suddenly, the lights come on.

Sunday 23 September 2012, Glyndwr University, Wrexham

Mechanoids aren't allowed in here! CAT: C'mon, c'mon, sit down, sit down. Let me pour you a drink. No, no, no, I should be doing that. CAT: Pouring drink.

Not tonight, buddy! I don't drink alcohol. It has no effect on my diodes. Summink special I whipped up. Android home brew. Uh, it's rather pleasant. Has a nice kick to it. Sort of like a cross between vimto and liquid nitrogen.

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It's probably lethal to androids to be honest, but I don't think it matters much since tomorrow you're gonna be She trails off into an embarrased silence and blushes deep red. Followed by the He3 isotopes du la maison?

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And then perhaps a small radioactive fruit salad for pudding? CAT: Give 'im the presents! Give 'im the presents! CAT: Give 'im mine! Give 'im mine! It's a computer chip!

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The interface circuit with a built-in XRDP! Oh, how DID you know? CAT: What about mine? I picked it up on a trip to Europe One rival collector once offered me 1, dollarpounds for it. Unwrapping a small vial of green liquid. Patten, commander of the 3rd and 7th armies, allied invasion forces, once stopped off at an Italian field hospital and had his sinuses drained. CAT: That's from me. It's one of your earrings!

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CAT: That's right! CAT: That's right, I can't stand it! Thank you! CAT: You're welcome! The control promptly breaks. The Marilyn Monroe droid clanks into the room. It looks a mess. It is half covered in synthetic flesh -- the arms and head are bare. It moves jerkily, with much hissing and clanking, and is basically totally, totally unconvincing.

You're kidding! The robot says something that might have been "Boo Boo be Doo" slowed down quite a bit, and then crashes off through a wall. Officer's clib. Much, much later. Still in the Officer's Club but only just. I suddenly feel the need to strut my funky stuff.

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Stands up. It's the booze -- you're not used to it. School trip to Paris. I was OK until we got to the top, but then I couldn't keep it in any more. Apparently it landed on Monte Martre. That's over five miles away! Story I got told was that some pavement artist sold it to a Texan tourist -- told him it was a genuine Jackson Pollock! The others laugh. Fourteen years old. We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank and his daughters. Anyway, middle of the night, I wake up with this tongue stuck down my throat. Wide awake now -- I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Uncle Frank! Stunned silence from others.

He'd got the wrong room -- he thought I was my mum! I never had a mum. CAT: There, there, it's alright, buddy, it's all part of being drunk. You've been through the happy stage, now you're going through the melancholy stage.

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Everybody else did! A cardboad box underneath the pool table. I was just abandoned in this pub. I never found out. Two people, unable to contain their desires, had an illicit liason. A liason that an unforgiving society would not accept. And you were the fruit of their forbidden passion.


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